444 Rumors & Myths of Amestris
by 9foxgrl
Summary: An assortment of rumors debunked and unknown from the country of Amestris. Ed has never gather information disguised as a girl. Olivier is not a Pokemon champion, there was never a zombie apocalypse in Amestris, Roy is not a banana.
1. 1-21

**Rumors and Myths of Amestris**

9foxgrl

Inspired by _Do a Barrel Roll's_ **444 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in Amestris**

**1-The Fullmetal Alchemist has never had to acquire information on a mission by dressing up as a girl. **

Roy nearly had an aneurism when he realized who the pretty petite blonde wearing the curve hugging red dress was. He was so shocked that he couldn't look Ed in the eye for months.

**2-Nor has he had to go undercover as an elementary student **

Hughes had done a double take when he saw the alchemist wearing a school uniform and coming out of Central's most elite private school. It was then he noticed the newly 'donated statute' at the entrance.

**3-Nor has he starred in Survivor: Amestris due to a being denied a vacation **

If it weren't for Al's insistence on watching the show; Mustang's team would have never known about the competition going on in the West or how Ed was knocked out in a milk chugging contest in the final four.

**4-Fort Brigg's development team is not secretly working on creating a Gundam **

When Roy's team captured the Drachman spy all he could babble on about was the North and a giant robot hidden in the fort. General Armstrong has denied all accusations.

**5-Edward Elric has not discovered a way for fire alchemy to operate around water. **

The simplicity of the theory and its potential destructive power was so great that Ed destroyed all of his research on the spot.

**6-While in Xing; Al did not discover the wonders of ramen that would be passed down his family for generations **

Centuries later Al's last living descendant finally managed to trace his lineage to the blonde fighter who spent years traveling the old country of Xing just to sample every kind of ramen imaginable.

**7- Ed and Al have never snuck into a magic school to get ahold of a philosopher's stone **

After disappearing for weeks to the far west Ed and Al returned disgruntled, with an owl, a giant poisonous snake fang, and an assortment of sweets that could make someone violently ill.

**8-Ed is not a substitute soul reaper **

No one was the wiser when Ed would sleep for hours at a day so he could leave his body and go slay Hollows.

**9-Black Hayate was not the first ninja dog **

Riza didn't know what to say when she witnessed her dog chase after a crook on the rooftops.

**10- A live action Sailor Moon movie was never made in Amestris**

Jaws dropped when the director had the guts to ask Riza Hawkeye, Olivier Mira Armstrong, Winry Rockbell, Sheska, Maria Ross and Izumi Curtis as the sailor scouts. Heart attack when they agreed. But all refused to play Sailor Moon so the role fell to Envy.

**11- And if there was Roy was not Tuxedo Mask **

Let's just say that the romantic scenes left a lot to be desired.

**12- Fort Briggs does not have a karaoke night **

On those rare nights the soldiers of Drachma would sneak up as close to the fort as they could so they can hear the angel singing her tragic song.

**13- The reason for Ed's hatred of milk does not come from an old legend**

It wasn't until Roy heard the Legend of the Were-cow and experience it first-hand did he stop harassing his subordinate about his height.

**14-** **Ed did not use an old Xerxian artifact to wish his brother's soul into the armor**

Ed decided to keep the fact that he was temporarily playing host to the spirit of a young Xerxian king a secret. After all they had a stone to find.

**15- The seven sins are Homunculi, not shadow monsters **

Instead of joining the military Ed and Al teamed up with a spiky haired kid and his friends to collect the seven millennium items and banish them using a card came.

**16- Ed disappeared into WWII Germany; not Ancient Egypt. **

With his intellectual mind and their common hatred of being called short made Ed and Pharaoh Atem best friends and his new ingenious traps made Bakura's live even more miserable than before. The two particularly enjoyed the catapult outside the palace door.

**17- Nor did he disappear into the Pokémon world **

When Ed finally returned he brought back with him several strange creatures with extraordinary powers.

**18- Ed & Al are not Sherlock Homes and Dr. Watson **

"It's elementary Colonel." Ed said as he stuck his pipe his mouth while Lust was trapped in the steel cage above. "Havoc cannot get a girlfriend to save his life. So it was obvious that it was a homunculus in disguise."

"I CAN SO GET A GIRLFREIND!"

**19- There is no such thing as Amestrian Clue**

"So it was the Colonel in the library with the torch?"

"Drat! And here I thought it was Hawkeye in the parlor with the shotgun."

"…What the Hell are you two talking about?"

**20- Kain Furey is not really Harry Potter **

Everyday before leaving for work Kain would slip his trusted Holly wand into the holster in his sleeve and let Hedwig back in.

**21 – Major Armstrong didn't get his sparkles after killing a vampire **

He wasn't sure why the sparkles stuck to him, but at least he could make them look manly.

**A/N: Just some randomness that was bouncing around my head. If you would like more feel free to make suggestions. **


	2. 22-32

Rumors & Myths of Amestris

**22- There is not a secret army of Milk led by Gen. Dairy White who are out to assassinate Ed**

No one believed Ed that he was being stalked by a cow until the he was abducted during a public ceremony by a singing jug of milk and a cow wearing a general's helmet in a milk truck.

**23- Mr. Armstrong is not Mr. Clean **

That was in fact his great, great grandson.

**23 - Alphonse doesn't have the nickname 'Knight'.**

That nickname applies to two people and both have jousted for the honor of using it.

**24- There is no such thing as a North Eastern Stag Night**

There was only one; and that was to celebrate Miles lasting longer than any of General Armstrong's prior second in command. It ended in a two hour bar hopping excursion, bar fight with Mustang, Havoc, Buccaneer and Miles having to be bailed out of jail by Hawkeye and General Armstrong at two in the morning.

**25- The true Flame Alchemist is not Riza Hawkeye**

Roy was terrified of what would happen if Riza ever had to use the gloves herself. Considering her lightning fast trigger fingers.

**26- Nor is General Armstrong the true Strong Arm Alchemist **

She only got a hold of the gauntlets once…and nearly flattened the Armstrong Estate, her brother, and a teenage Roy Mustang in the process.

**27- Likewise her nick name of Ice Queen is not her secret Alchemist title **

Father knew he dodged a bullet when the young woman decided that fighting with a sword was a lot better than with alchemy.

Little do they know she keeps an array on hand.

**28-Edward Elric was never a write in for Fuhrer **

Several of the new senior staff nearly had heart attacks when they saw who the people thought would make a good Fuhrer after the Promised Day. Colonel Mustang and General Armstrong stopped their campaigns in order to prevent it from getting a majority vote.

**29- Major Miles is not secretly living a double life**

Questions were raised when the man was spotted wearing a trench coat and wielding a glowing blue sword chasing after a man in a glowing red suit.

**30-There was never a poll to see who was the scariest woman of Amestris **

There was too much blood to accurately read the results.

**31- Ed never contemplated placing his brother's soul into the body of a stuffed animal. **

Considering that he doesn't even own a single animal would make it hard. Plus it would make him look too innocent.

**32- Major Armstrong is not secretly trying to set his older sister up **

Olivier growled as she chased off yet another spineless wannabe Casanova. "Where the Hell are all these bastards coming from?"

Buccaneer and Miles just shrugged as another man tried to appeal to her with flowers then began to bet how long it would take for him to be scared off.

**A/N: Thank you to my reviewers who made suggestions. **


	3. 33-42

**Rumors & Myths of Amestris**

**33-Mustang did not attempt to kill Envy with a Death Note**  
Roy growled in frustration when he couldn't decide the best most painful way of killing the homonculus. In the end he just set him on fire.  
**34- Ed and Al are not a weapon and meister team**  
No one questioned the knight in armor attacking a horde of undead with a knight sword.  
**35- Ed is not short, he is a wishing dwarf**  
Afterwards no one said wishes hypothetically around Ed after Roy turned into a bratty toddler.  
**36- Envy is not a Palm tree**  
"OH COME ON! YOU WEAR A HALLOWEEN COSTUME JUST ONCE AND NO ONE LETS YOU FORGET IT!"  
**37- General Armstrong was never a ballerenia prodigy in her youth**  
Please disregard the photos in the Amestrian dance hall  
**38- Ed did not evolve from Riolu to Lucario when he got his automail.**  
(Actually, his alchemy sans circles is really a move he designed by combining Force Palm and Aura Sphere: Aura Palm.)  
**39- Ed is not a cyborg**  
that 'privilege'belongs to Kimblee  
**40- Miles & Scar did not team up to trap Kimblee with the Abominable Snowman**  
No one wanted to know why those two cackled evilly whenever the Crimson Alchemist was mentioned  
**41- That being said; Kimblee never tried to hit on Miles**  
There was a gun in his face before he could finish his pick up line  
**42- Professor Banner from Yugioh GX is not native to Amestris**  
But his cat Pharaoh has many fond memories of a polite suit of armor.


	4. 43-54

**43- Buccaneer didn't steal Olivier's sparkles**

He just borrows them on the nights he goes into town to impress the ladies.

**44- Roy didn't unload his car full of flowers on a bunch of unsuspecting ladies in Central along with proclamations of romance.**

He actually decided to give half to his Aunt, and place the other half on Hughes' grave.

**45- Roy doesn't always intentionally steal Havoc's girlfriends. **

At least that's what the chain smoker wishes to believe. Who knows what the reason is.

**46- Hoenheim is not from the Hoenn Region **

He founded it actually in the years before he met Trisha.

**47- Alphonse was never an 'extra' (suit of armor) at Hogwarts.**

They had to get info for the stone somehow so he was positioned near the Teacher's lounge. He did like Mrs. Norris and Prof. McGonagall.

**48- Roy Mustang is not a circus performer **

... Although he DOES seem to be a Fire wielding/eating clown every now and then. And Hawkeye admitted that he once tried to run away and join a circus.

**49- Edward Elric does not believe that Soda caps will one day be a national currency.**

Please disregard all documents signed by Full Metal demanding that it does happen. Also ignore the rather large pile of bottle caps in the bunker under the capital.

**50- While hiding from Roy; Ed & Al did not hide in plain sight as street performers. **

He would never have guessed that the two statues he passed outside the library were them.

**51- Ed never got into a dance off battle with a gang in East City in order to get information **

Nothing can beat a break dancing suit of armor.

**52-There was never a Military Officer Dance Contest. **

It was unanimously voted a three way tie with Fuhrer Bradley & Mrs. Bradley dancing the jitterbug, Roy & Hawkeye dancing the tango, and Miles & Olivier doing a fast waltz.

**53- Also the Military Dance Contest was not Hughes & Alex's attempt to set up the single officers. **

…please disregard their cries of despair.

**54-There was never a North Eastern Prank War. **

It was all fun and games until Roy 'assassinated' Miles in front of Olivier and the Bears then all Hell broke loose.

**Have a favorite character? Let me know your top five! **


	5. 55-68

**55- Envy was not beaten by Riza Hawkeye in Amestris' Next Top Model. **

He got to the finale, but was disqualified when the judges discovered the pale, black haired woman was, in fact, a man.

**56- Edward Elric has never been in Domino City. **

But he remembers the spiky haired, amethyst eyed boy, who was just as short as himself, whom he and Al travelled around with for a while

**57- There was never been such thing as Mini Skirt Monday for the female soldiers in Amestris. **

After word of it reached the ears of a few certain female officers it ended up as Mini Skirt Monday for all the males instead.

**58- There was never a State Alchemist named Chuck Norris**

Don't believe everything the recruiter in the Central Shopping Center tells you.

**59-Fullmetal did not knowingly botch an assassination attempt on Mustang. **

Really, he didn't know that the guy in drag trying to flirt with the Colonel had a semi-automatic pistol in his/her purse when he tackled the Colonel after being called short.

**60-Dr. Knox was never on the TV show Scrubs**

The man swears on his wife's grave that Dr. Cox was not him.

…Wait, his wife is still alive!

**61- Ed never had to babysit Selim after the Promised Day**

It was a terrible decision for it created a mini Fullmetal with an equal hatred of being called short.

**62- Ed was never a homunculus **

He just drew on that Ouroboros tattoo on his shoulder as a prank.

**63- The reason for Roy always knowing where Ed is, is not because he is a Seer. **

If he did he would be able to tell the weather forecast.

Ignore the crystal ball in his living room.

**64-Olivier, Roy, Alex, and Riza did not go on a crazy adventure to a world called Narnia as kids through a magical wardrobe. **

Really, even though they all remember a talking lion and Olivier kicking the butt of a snow witch; thus gaining her title of Ice Queen.

**65-Envy was never a little kid's pet when he was trapped in his miniature form. **

Although he did like the nice warm rock in the sunny terrarium that the girl gave him.

**66- Hughes was not the an incarnation of Dr. Who**

Although Roy could never understand why the man told him never to trust angel statues or oving trashcans with blinking lights.

**67- Roy does not set his paperwork on fire**.

He just shoves a lot of it on an intern from Research named Silver

**68- After the Promised Day Ed was not promoted to head of the Eastern Research Department**

This actually happened. Ironically it was Roy who suggested it to Grumman.

**My Top 5 (In no particular order)**

Olivier

Miles

Izumi

Roy

Ed

An/: I finally got a day off of work where I can enjoy myself and work on my fanfictions! Yeah! Hopefully I can update _Ice Prince Alchemist_ this afternoon!


	6. 69-88

**69- Miles never had a brother that was a Radio Therapist.**  
That was his cousin. DJ Soul in South City. His brother is a dentist in West City, and his sister is the only nurse capable of giving Fullmetal a shot in East City.

**70- Dr. Knox is not Dr. House's past life**

Grumpy, sarcastic doctors? Come on!

**71- There is no such thing as CSI Amestris**

"Looks like Scar is back in town." Roy commented as he observed the crime scene.

"Yes…it does." Hughes said he put on his glasses.  
YEEEAAAHHHHHH!

**72- Envy is not a Digimon!**

"So this little gecko is his rookie form…" Al said poking the homunculus.

"Then his human form is his Champion level." May added.

"That makes that demon dog Ultimate!"

"What are they talking about?" Scar asked.

"I don't know…kids these days."

**73- Fort Briggs does not run on coffee. **

The Drachman soldiers knew they did something wrong when they launched an attack when supplies to the fort was cut off for over a week around the same time General Armstrong was first posted there.

Instead of guns and cannons, they were met with hundreds of menacing red eyes…then they found out the Drachman general had a large supply of coffee in his truck.

The man died in a mental hospital rambling about feral Northerners. And thus the first armistice was created.

**74- Like wise, Team Mustang does not run on coffee. **

When Ed & Al came back to Eastern HQ and found the adults buried in paperwork with no break they decided to be nice. They went out and bought two trays of sandwiches and doughnuts and several coffees from their favorite café.

Presumably because of this Roy didn't bite his head off for turning in his report late.

**75- Yoki is not the ancestor of Major Frank Burns who crossed over the Gate. **

After finding out his great grandfather was a German the man screamed about having 'Nazi' blood thus the reason he was a terrible surgeon.

**76- Ed did not contemplate creating a Frankenstein in order to bring back his mother. **

He did contemplate the idea after reading Mary Shelley's work, but decided that it would be too troublesome to dig up so many graves.

**78-Roy, Miles, Buccaneer, Alex, and Maes did not live through their own version of the Hangover the day before Maes' wedding. **

If you want to know what happened watch the movie and you would get the general idea except the baby was a puppy, and tiger was a chimera.

**79- Nor did it happen again before Ed's wedding**.

"HOW THE HELL DID I GET THIS TATTOO ON MY BACK?" Ed roared while Roy rolled on the floor laughing.

"Now everyone knows that you're a shorty!"

"SHUT UP!"

**80- Or before Roy's impromptu marriage to Riza**

"KARMA IS A BITCH! ISN'T IT!"

"SHUT UP FULLMETAL!"

**81- Major Miles & General Armstrong are not secretly married. **

The two supposedly secretly eloped after the Promised Day and married in Ishval with only a few close friends as the witnesses.

Neither will confirm nor deny this story, but this only encourages Alex further.

*Meanwhile in the Afterlife Buccaneer just laughed as he realized that he posthumously won the biggest, and most secret bet in Briggs.

**82- Just because they are called 'Dogs of the Military' does not mean Alchemists have handlers. **

"Alright Alphonse, now if Ed starts to misbehave-"

"I hit him on the nose with a newspaper."

"Good."

**83- Riza Hawkeye is not the infamous superhero **Hawkeye

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD HE'S A GUY!"

**84- Hughes definitely died in a phone booth, not the TARDIS! **

No one could explain why or how a blue police box crashed on top of Father during the epic fight or way Hughes jumped out to start b**ch slapping him.

**85- A battle cry is not a requirement for becoming a successful State Alchemist. **

"See! I told you the Colonel was lying to us!"

**86- Ed is forbidden from driving during a mission unless he's a designated getaway driver. **

The sight of the amazing flying car jumping over Central Command's outer walls, screaming General Mustang, and assassin was covered extensively in several Amestrian and foreign newspapers.

**87- All Yearbooks from the Amestrian Prepatory academy were mysteriously burned when Roy, Olivier, Alex, and Maes graduated. **

It's not well known, but those four were actually the greatest troublemakers in the academy's history. Everyone knew this, but now one could prove it…until Elysia, Selim, Al's daughter Yin, and Ed's children Trisha & Eric attended and broke their record for most pranks in one day.

**88- Olivier Mira Armstrong is not the Demon Princess that haunts the dreams of nannies and governesses alike. **

After five quit in a week the Armstrongs decided that sending their eldest daughter to a private school would be better then letting her torment so many employees. But still, many shudder at the though of the little girl whom many had tried to force to wear a frilly pink dress.


	7. 89-101

**89- At no point in Amestrian History was a tank flown into battle. **

"There is a lake sixty feet starboard." Buccaneer yelled as the tank fell hundreds of feet towards the ground. The blimp they had been riding in had been shot down by Creta.

"Havoc, start turn the gun and fire everything!"

"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" Roy screamed from where they had to literally tie him to his seat.

**90-There is no such thing as an A-Team in Amestris & if there was it was Team Mustang would not be it!**

"They are great at what they do, and specialize in the ridiculous!" Olivier said to Miles after she told him of the Eastern squad.

Havoc the get away driver who claims to be a ladies man

Kain the tech savvy communications officer.

Falman the smart planner.

Brenda the muscles

Hawkeye the sniper, expert marksman

Mustang the mastermind

**91- Mustang never meet General Iroh or Firelord Zuko**

He actually did briefly while in the Gate…or so he thought. He later found out that the man was his ancient Xingese ancestor thus causing Ling to call him cousin.

**92-The East is not the Fire Nation**

Despite the Flame Alchemist being able to use fire alchemy!

**93-The South is not the Earth Kingdom**

Izumi is the only true earth bender in Amestris!

**94-The North is not the Water Tribe**

No one in the North was going to admit that water benders truly existed.

**95- The West is not the Air Nomad Nations**

"No wonder there are barely any cities out there." Brenda commented.

**96- Therefore Central is not Republic City **

"What is Pro-Bending?" Ed asked as he read the flyer.

"I don't know brother."

**97- Izumi Curtis is not the reincarnation of Toph Beifong**

The world shook when a five year old Izumi called herself Melon Lord during a game of tag.

**98- Hughes does not haunt any boy who tries to ask his daughter out on dates. **

After the fourth boy ran out of the house screaming, Elysia had no choice but to hire a Medium to convince her deceased father that it was time to let her live her teenage life.

**99- Due to 98; Roy does not act as the protective parent in his place. **

After hearing about her fiancé who cheated and dumped her the day before their wedding, Roy left work early to have a chat with the idiot who was later found castrated by a well aimed fire ball.

**100- Ed did not entrust General Armstrong with the secret to using fire alchemy in or around water.**

After meeting her Ed knew that this woman would keep it a secret, lest Roy go mad with power or accidentally hurt someone/himself.

Both agreed that it was possible, so the metal box with the journal containing the hidden information was placed in a hole waiting to be filled with cement.

**101- the Development Engineers are not to be reckoned with. **

It is an unspoken rule t antagonize them, especially since some of them are known to be able to lift over a hundred pounds of metal without help. That and they can make everything fall around you…literally.

Plus it was once said that the Engineers held off a Drachman squad with wrenches, well aimed screwdrivers, and a blow torch.

**A/N: When I read KTrevo's suggestion I immediately thought of 92-97. LOL could you imagine if the FMA cast were members of Avatar? **

**Olivier & Team Briggs the Northern Water Tribe so that would make Miles from the south**

**Roy the fire bender with Riza as the cold marksman **

**Scar as Combustion Man (lmao)**

**Izumi as Toph**

**Alex as the Boulder (LOL)**

**Wait…does that make Ed the Avatar? **


	8. 102-120

**102- Ed never believed the fat plumber in the red cap, that he would get taller by eating a strange mushroom with eyes.**

When he saw the mushroom's beady eyes and violent red color, he slowly backed away, than ran like Hell out of the alley screaming about drug dealers and 'shrooms. To this day the 'Plumber' is still on East City's top ten most wanted list.

**103- The Armstrongs are not related to Chuck Norris. **

An Armstrong woman was supposed to marry Chuck Norris, but she scared him away... she was too strong for him to handle. Or so Major Armstrong and the General claim.

**104- Gluttony is not fat. **

According to himself, he's just got big bones and the gate inside of him makes him appear bigger.

**105- The homunculi have never had to work as prostitutes to get money so that they could feed Gluttony**

Greed propositioned it to Lust once, thus the reason he was kicked out.

**106- Roy Mustang's original alchemist title was not Sparky-Sparky-Boom Alchemist.**

If it was he would have planned the coup a lot sooner.

**107- The Armstrong family has not landed on the moon.**

Yet.

No one knows that a rocket to the moon is what the Development sectors have been working on.

**109- Ed never had a stalker. **

No one could understand why the boy refused to ever go back to South City until a girl broke into the dorms and attempt to snip off some of his hair for a shrine in the middle of the night.

**110- The Armstrongs are not the 'Chuck Norris' of Amestris. **

Despite their infamously feared rib smashing, roundhouse kicks that have been passed down the Armstrong family for generations.

**111- When fighting Father Ed did not go into the Avatar state**.

Supposedly he repeatedly punched the man throughout Central with stone fists, transmuted fire out of nothing, froze him in ice then blasted him into the atmosphere. Then supposedly said _"Homunculus; you and the Sins have destroyed the balance of this world, and you shall now pay the ultimate price."_ then proceeded to combine all four elements to blast him out of existence, all while flying in a dome of spinning air.

But that's that just water cooler talk.

**112- Kimblee did not attempt to take Major Miles captive.**

Supposedly he did try but word reached General Armstrong first so after drugging General Raven, she gave him a roundhouse kick so hard that he flew out of the fort, over the mountains and into Drachma.

**113- Olivier Mira Armstrong is NOT TANK GIRL!**

Roy made the mistake of saying that once after seeing the woman operating the tank…and spent over a month in Intensive Care because of it.

**114- Ed used alchemy to bind Al's soul to the armor, NOT NECROMANCY!**

Ed huffed and gasped as the people in red robes fled from Eastern Command, the sticks they had tried to use to unbind Al's soul laid on the ground in pieces.

"Magic? Magic is fake!" he huffed as he double checked Al's soul seal.

Al just sighed. Those weirdos just had to call Ed short.

**115- Fuery does not moonlight as a renowned stand-up comedian named Dylan Moran. **

After leaving all the upper echelon in stitches at the charity event with his opening act Fuery grinned and started to move onto his next bit.

"A lot of it depends with how you are poisoning yourself. The best thing really is wine I think, because it's slow releasing and imaginative…you can eat and talk to people-"

**116- Ed was never signed up for S.P.A. (Short People Anonymous) by Winry. **

"Hello my name is Ed, AND I AM NOT SHORT!"

"Hello Ed."

"Hello, my name is Toshiro, AND I AM NOT A CHIBI!"

"Hello Toshiro."

**117- The Fullmetal Alchemist is a tall man in a suit of armor. **

The blonde irate chibi with the silver watch will prove you otherwise.

**118- Ed never had to learn to shoot a gun. **

All military personnel have to learn to carry one, so Ed did too. However in one lesson Ed proved that the rumors of country boys know how to shoot since the day they could walk was true. Even Al could shoot with amazing accuracy.

Ed later sheepishly admitted that his first gun was a sawed off twelve gauge shotgun which he used to take down a buck at age seven.

**119- Winry never got revenge for her parent's murders. **

She later did by slamming Scar in the head with her heaviest wrench claiming it was out of self-defense, and that was all she wrote.

**120- Just because Ed is a state alchemist does not mean he's old enough to drink. **

No one knew what to say after the boy managed to out drink Mustang one Saturday night. He later claimed that Central's whiskey was not compared to Resembool's famed moonshine or the vodka he tasted in Baschool.

* * *

**A/N:** LOL thanks **Nordic Twin** for opening a new slew of Armstrong jokes for me. Also a big thanks to **steferstheawesome, Jostanos, lotrprincess, KTrevo, Saffron-Rose, Scaehime-KingofKing;s Daughter, LeFay Strent, Dfire, and Grizz Lee** for making all the suggestions.

How far should this go? 444? Hmm, I'll might have to change the title to 444 Rumors & Myths of Amestris.

118 & 120? well I'm a country girl, and there are some stereotypes that may or may not be true around here.


	9. 121-160

**444 Rumors & Myths of Amestris **

**(keep your ideas coming folks!) **

**121-There is no such thing as an annual convention for short people, aka. The Pygmy Convention, in Amestris.**

If there was, Ed and Pinako wouldn't attend it in secret. (Or so they like to think they do.)

**122- Even if they did attend it, Ed wouldn't be invited as the main speaker.**

"Today, Mr. Elric will present the 101 Ways to Antagonize Giants."

**123- The Amestresian Millitary has never been in contact with the Hellsing Organization. **

No one even dared breathe until the red cloaked man disappeared.

Ed was so scared of the psycho's appearance that he was hiding behind Envy.

**124- Winry, on the other hand, has never admitted to Ed who Integra Hellsing is, and what happens to the large amount of silver and holy water this mysterious lady sends her.**

"What Ed doesn't know won't hurt him." She told herself.

**125- Ed never gets addressed by people as "young lady" when he lets down his hair and goes for a walk. **

Those who do usually get to face a very angry vertically challenged MALE state alchemist.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PREPUBECENT GIRL!"

**126- Olivier Mira Armstrong is in love with Roy Mustang. **

This rumor was later proven false by their rumored spouses and the angry soldiers themselves when they stormed the tabloid editor's office. The reporter responsible for the story supposedly fled to Xing or is in hiding.

Possibly dead.

**127- Edward Elric's true title is the Puppet Alchemist. **

"A suit of armor with no one inside…he's a puppet!"

"No I'm not! I'm a real boy!"

"It's Pinocchio!"

"…what?"

"Brother…?"

"He watches way too much Disney."

"I agree with you on that Fullmetal."

**128- The reason Ed hates milk is not because it was a cow who decided his mother had to die for a plot point.**

"WHY? WHY HER?"

"I needed a depressive starting point." The cow with the classes replied…or mooed.

"YOU MAD COW!"

"…Is Fullmetal yelling at a cow with a typewriter?"

"Just walk away Roy, just walk away."

**129- Lust is a Yaoi fangirl. **

Envy ran away screaming in horror when he found the numerous and graphic RoyEd doujinshis and fanfictions tucked in Lust's bookshelf. He later tried to impale himself when he found one with EdEnvy at the top.

**130- After their mother's death Ed & Al made a fortune off moonshine. **

With their advanced scientific knowledge and know how, the two curbed the market on the clear liquor until they shut down for a few years. They later restarted after Ed retired from the military.

**131- The Elrics are not a family of retired circus performers. **

When Grumman pitched to Bradley to do an officer's charity event with the many soldiers as the performers, Ed & Al were called in to help them prepare.

Roy and Havoc fainted when Ed managed to contort his body, minus the automail limbs, in various not supposed to be possible positions while Al tightrope walked sixty feet off the ground across the mile long courtyard while juggling a photo, a vase, and a chainsaw.

**132- Ed is an escape artist. **

This rumor was proved true after he successfully escaped from a Drachman war prison, two serial killers, Izumi Curtis, rabid teenage admirers, Roy Mustang, Fort Briggs and a group of old dotting ladies. All without alchemy.

**133- Heinkel is Mufasa.**

"Yes, it's the Circle of Life…"

"You're not going to start singing again are you?"

**134- The day Havoc quits smoking is the day he gets a steady girlfriend.**

Ironically since Sheska was asthmatic he really did stop smoking so he could date her. Bets are going on now on when he might pop the question.

**135- Mustang is waiting to become Fuhrer so he can propose to Hawkeye**.

Yes, yes he was. But after a very traumatic near death experience during a bombing in the South he gave up on his plan and proposed to her in her hospital room when she came out of her drug induced coma.

**136- Selim Bradley will grow up to be a State Alchemist**

With the proper guidance, and some tutoring under Ed, Selim did become a state certified alchemist specializing in medical alchemy at 22. He later went on to revolutionize the new medic alchemist unit.

**137- Elysia Hughes will follow in father's footsteps as an investigator. **

She really did after deciding that journalism was too boring and went to get her private investigator's license in order to work outside the military's laws.

**138- Ed is not the reincarnation of Albert Einstein. **

Minds broke when a thirteen year old Ed successfully explained the theory of relativity to a room of top notch nuclear engineers.

**139-Nor is he the reincarnation of Steven Hawkins, Charles Darwin, or Benjamin Franklin, or Thomas Edison.**

"COLONEL BASTARD GET THESE SCIENCE NUTS OFF MY LAWN!"

"What do you want me to do?"

"BURN THEM!"

**140-Barry the Chopper is Amestris' greatest gory horror flick director. **

The videos were so gory that only the strongest of stomach and soul could stay in the theater until the end.

**141- Ed never traveled with Avatar Aang.**

Somehow Team Avatar ended up with the deserts outside of Liore, they worked with Ed and Al for a few days before finally getting direction from a nomad to Ba Sing Se.

**142- Ed's battle cry is not 'Leroy Jenkins'**

"Oh crap he just ran in!"

"Whose is Leroy Jenkins?"

"Forget that, Brother is going to get all the loot!"

**143- Ed never introduced Hoeinhiem to Leroy Jethro Gibbs. **

*SMACK*

"What is wrong with you! You don't abandon family!"

"I don't know who this guy is, but he is awesome!"

**144- Hawkeye is not related to Gibbs.**

"Uncle Leroy?"

**145-Likewise she is not related to one Benjamin 'Hawkeye' Pierce. **

"FOR THE LAST TIME WE ARE NOT RELATED SO STOP LETTING HIM IN! MUSTANG KEEPS FORGETTING HIS PAPERWORK!" Riza yelled into the phone at the poor receptionist as Roy and his new friend samples some of the newest Elric hooch.

**146- Olivier is not a snowboarding champion. **

. She can shred the slopes with the best of them, even won a trophy or two. No one believed it until the Amestris' winter games.

**147- There was never an biannual Amestris Victory Games.**

In celebration of the victorious Promised Day Grumman started a biannual sporting competition. The opening ceremony that originally the releasing of a thousand doves was replaced by a rather large fireball; curtsey of Roy Mustang after the lock on the cage malfunction.

**148- General Armstrong is not Cynthia the Sinnoh League Champion**.

This would bring in to question where the woman spent a mysterious part of her teenage years studying abroad.

**149- Nor are they long lost twin sisters **

Just because they look alike does not mean they are related. Please disregard Major Armstrong's anguish.

**150- Or her reincarnation.**

Now you are just grasping at straws.

**151- Ed, Olivier, and Izumi never competed on Iron Chef. **

The long time reigning champion practically fled the filming site after the knives came out.

**152- Roy Mustang & Solf Kimblee is not responsible for the massive crater in the Eastern Desert. **

Both men swear that it was a UFO. Not a duel to see who had the more 'bad ass alchemy'

**153- There was never a UFO sighting over in the West Area.**

"It was just a weather balloon." Stated Major General Carmichael.

"He lies." Fuery seethed as he and his fellow believers prepared to sneak into Area 101.

**154- A cult never believed that Al was their Messiah.**

Poor Al was nearly abducted several times by a group believing that he was the messiah. And all the time Ed had to bust in and save him before they seduced him with cats.

**155- No terrorist group is stupid enough to abduct Fullmetal.**

If he doesn't escape and beat you up first then you will have to deal with his armored brother, a wretch wielding mechanic, the Flame Alchemist, a sniper and various others who like the kid.

**156- General Armstrong is a cold hearted B*****

Not entirely true, she is just good at controlling her emotions. She tends to 'Snap' on occasion and become a nightmare. But she does have a soft spot for children.

The last record 'Snap' however was when a man as old as Grumman tried to proposition Ed after he had just joined the military. When it didn't work he drugged him and was about to take him to his car when she intervened.

No one other than Mustang and Olivier knows what happened to the man, but to this day the boy doesn't know of his mysterious savior.

**157- Ed is not a Sun God**

After his actions in Liore one group of citizens proclaimed that it was Leto himself who had come to destroy the false priest. Others however claimed that he was a saint or prophet.

So when Roy was given a pamphlet on Letoism…he set them all on fire and swore not to tell the boy.

**158- Roy is not a Saint**

Seeing the Flame Alchemist often in the company of Ed the 'true Letoists' proclaimed him a saint of fire.

**159- Nor is his team Ed's Apostles.**

Let's not go there shall we?

**160- The best way to stop Scar is by using philosophy.**

"Whoever the idiot was that thought a priest, and a philosopher could stop the guy was an idiot." Hughes said with a face palm.

**Working on the next chapter of Ice Prince Alchemist. I will try to update that tomorrow. **


	10. 161-225

**161- Hawkeye never met Dracule Mihawk**

"FOR THE HUNDRETH TIME I DON'T KNOW HIM OR WHERE HE IS!" Riza yelled into her phone before slamming it down. She then turned to the bemused man sitting at her kitchen table.

"Sorry about that Dracule."

"No problem cousin."

**162- Dracule Mihawk was not Olivier's swordsmanship teacher. **

How else can you explain her impressive skills? Besides, she was always annoyed enough to beat up her green haired classmate.

**163- The Unova region is not the next place Father plans to turn into a Philosopher's Stone.**

"Okay, time for Plan B."

"What's Plan B?"

**164- Nor is Team Plasma under Father's control.**

"I'm telling you, there is something freaking going on!" White told Black over the Xtransceiver. "I swear that guy is not human!"

**165- Father did not finally take a proper name for himself.**

"What kind of a name is Ghetsis, anyway? Heck, how do you even pronounce it?!" Greed 3.0 asked.

**166- Following the theme, the seven homunculi are not disguised as the Seven Sages.**

Not all of them, anyway. The 'First Homunculus, the Dwarf in the Flask, is Ghetsis. Envy decided to take a one-letter name.

**167- There was never an attempt to create a military pin up calendar. **

Hughes & Roy tried in the Academy…and Hughes lost three cameras and over four pints of blood. Roy was strung up on the flagpole by his boxers almost every Friday night for a month.

**168- With the exception of the Promised Day, there was never a Zombie outbreak in Amestris. **

Supposedly there was one other a month later but the details are classified.

**169- There was actually a Zombie Apocalypse in Amestris. **

Please, with all the BAMF running around do you thing Zombies stand a chance? Mustang could just torch them all while drinking a malt whiskey.

**170- There is no personification of Amestris. **

….No matter what Roy says…he IS NOT AMESTRIS!

**171- Envy once spent an entire year as Selim's playmate in preschool.**

…Yeah…he apparently did to help the kid fit in.

As a four year old little girl.

**172- Al will become a state alchemist after Xing. **

He didn't, but he actually became Ed's helper in merging alchemy and alkahestry together to create the Elric Circles; a series of healing transmutation circles using water a medium to treat injuries.

**173- Olivier is not the current Pokémon Champion of Amestris. **

"WILL YOU BRATS STOP COMING UP HERE TO CHALLENGE ME! OR DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DIE A BLOODY DEATH?" the General yelled from the top of the fort as yet another kid was dragged out kicking and screaming about being a Pokémon Master no matter what.

**174- Therefore Falman, Miles, Buccaneer, and Heinshel are not the Elite Four. **

And if they were they would not be the following.

Falman- Psychic

Miles- Grass

Buccaneer – Fighting

Heinshel – Steel

**175. Also Alex, Sheska, Roy, Hawkeye, Bradley, Fuery, Havoc, and Rebecca are not the Gym Leaders. **

"…You know…I think we should go with this."

"Really?"

"You could build a gym in the library."

"I'M IN!"

Alex- Fighting (Lineage Badge)

Sheska – Normal (Knowledge Badge)

Roy – Fire (Flame Badge)

Hawkeye – Flying (Sniper Badge)

Bradley- Ground (Leader Badge)

Fuery – Electric (Pawn Badge)

Havoc – Water (Smoker Badge)

Rebecca- Dark (Whisper Badge)

**176 – Therefore Ed is not Red, and Al is not Blue, and Winry is not Yellow.**

"I want to be a Pokémon Master!"

"…Who was that kid?"

"Yay!"

**177**- **Winry does not store all those wrenches in Hammerspace.**

Technically, it's Wrenchspace.

**178-The School Children of Amsteris and its fellow countries have never played with 'THE ORANGE BOX**.

Why? BECAUSE IT WAS ANNOYING

And thus Roy incinerated it.

There were celebrations everywhere.

**179- Ed was never part of a Host Club**

'_The things I do to get Al's body back…'_ the blonde swore as he 'flirted' with his clients. _'This Kouya guy better know something about the stone…or I am going to break his glasses.'_

**180- Roy never tried to start his own Host Club**

…He did at Eastern Command… let's just say that when Riza found out…there was no more Host Club.

**181-After getting his body back, Al got his apple pie. **

He did get his apple pie. But not before Ed accidentally burned the first three.

**182- Roy never rode a horse into battle**

Once while in the North he did. He rode into battle on a wild stallion…Then was promptly thrown off and over a tank. But hey, at least he took out that Drachman General.

**183- Ed never participated in a rodeo.**

"We must never speak of this again…" Ed said from under his ten gallon hat that practically engulfed his head.

"But…"

"Never Al!"

**184- Ed never stole a car**

"This is a little extreme brother!"

"Shut up and help me hotwire the engine!"

**185- Al did not assist him.**

"Drive Al! Drive!"

**186- They also didn't destroy a fire hydrant, side swipe a cat, or run into a house.**

"We must never speak of what has happened here today…"

"That poor cat…"

**187- Ed & Roy never took a day off together.**

"Man…South City is so boring…"

"Yeah…"

An hour later the two alchemists found themselves hiding from the Riza and Al after they had led a car chase with a drug gang, a musical number downtown, and accidentally set a fireworks factory on fire.

**188- Ed was never a wanted fugitive.**

"FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT THIS CARL SAN DIEGO!"

**189- Ed never participated in a military drill. **

"Why is Fullmetal not here?"

"Two words sir. Trouble Magnet."

"…okay…"

**190- Ed was never declared the short by the Guinness Book of World Records **

"WHAT DID YOU BASTARDS SAY? I AM NOT THAT SHORT!" Ed screamed as three strange judges measured

"Wait, wasn't that last record holder only 25 inches tall?"

"...So Ed shorter than-?"

"WHO ARE YOU DARING TO CALL SO SHORT THAT HE COULD RIDE A FREAKING ANT TO WORK YOU BASTARDS!" Ed screamed as sent the record judges into a panic, making them fall down a flight of stairs after they became tangled up in their measuring tapes.

**191-Shao-Mei is not a digimon.**

Envy could only stare in awe as the tiny panda digivolved into a massive cyborg version of itself that preceded to zap the poor palm tree with lightning cannons.

He should have known better than to attack that Xingese girl and threaten to make her into Sweet and Sour Xingese.

**192-Alphonse did not join the Ouran Black Magic Club**

Not officially, Nekosawka and his club let Al hide out in their room while Ed was on a mission in Ouran with the Host club.

Ed never trusted him alone with Nekosawa after he woke up one morning with cat ears.

**193- The silver watches of the State Alchemists do not contain Time Lord consciousnesses.**

Roy accidentally discovered this when he was being chased by an Angel statue and Hughes arrived to save him.

**194-Izumi never appeared on the Real Housewives of Amestris**

What started out as a 'drama' show became one of the most loved action shows ever and only aired once. But Dublith became a major tourist destination after that.

**195- Al never used a Philosopher's Stone to change his brother's gender**

Ed never forgave him for it, nor Dr. Marcoh for letting him do it. Or Scar and Miles for taking the photos and sending them somewhere secure for future blackmail.

**196- Ed never had to play house guest to the Ouran Host club. **

He finally had enough and knocked out Tamaki and Kyoya (whom he wanted revenge on for lying about information on the stone) then dumped them on a train heading far North. Let's just say those two found out the meaning of hard work when they had to stay at Fort Briggs until Ed reluctantly came to take them home.

But to Haruhi's amusement they were rather humbled by the experience.

**197- Likewise Riza Hawekeye does not have a distance niece named Haruhi Fujioka. **

She was very proud after her niece sent her a letter of how she chased off a 'Shadow King' who was hounding her for money with her new pistol.

**198- Roy is not secretly a disgraced son of the Ootori. **

Correction. Grandson. No one ever told him though. Although he does have a great deal of stinginess on money.

**199- Roy is not a Shadow King. **

No one is allowed to wake him up before 7am unless they want him to be.

**200- Ed never had to ride a horse in a military parade. **

"It will be the only way anyone can see him."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE CAN ONLY BE SEEN WITH A MICROSCOPE YOU BASTARD?"

"I'm more worried if he can even ride a horse."

**201- The children of Amestris play cowboys and Indians.**

False.

They now play soldiers and homunculi.

**202- The real reason Roy was promoted to Colonel was because he won a poker game.**

"Royal Flush!"

"Damn!"

**203-The Promised Day was never referred to as D-Day.**

"Today we shall storm the streets of Central, and liberate this country!"

**204- Havoc drank cactus juice.**

"FRIENDLY MUSHROOM!"

"…no more cactus juice for you."

**205- While restoring Ishval, Roy never thought that he was a banana.**

"Hey Hawkeye!"

"Yeah?"

"I'm a banana!"

"What?"

"I'm banana!"

"What happened to your clothes?"

"I'M A BANANA!" Roy shouted as he showed off his banana costume.

"Did the Colonel hit the cactus juice this morning?" Brenda asked as Roy started to sing Banana Power. Scar and Miles just stared.

**206- Truth is not Slenderman. **

Not everyone sees the gate. Others see a faceless man in a tuxedo and die.

**207- Envy never went on vacation by disguising himself as a pet chameleon. **

Lust had to drag him back kicking and screaming.

**208-There was never a celebratory beach party. **

It was all fun and games until Izumi and Olivier were challenged to a volleyball match with Roy and Alex. Then the slaughter began.

**210- Unless it's a life or death situation Izumi & Olivier are not allowed to team up in a fight. **

The poor Drachman insurgents never stood a chance when they tried to assault both women outside a café at the same time.

**211- The reason Alex wants to protect his older sister is because she would protect him from bullies when he was little. **

"AND IF ANY OF YOU CALL ALEX A FREAK AGAIN THEN I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!" Olivier yelled as the bullies ran away, leaving the smirking ten year old girl in her stained and torn dress while her four year old brother sat in the mud puddle in shock.

**212- There was never a snowman building contest in Central.**

"The art of creating realistic snowmen has been passed the Armstrong line for generations!"

**213- There was never an officer's snowball fight. **

"HAH! YOU CENTRAL WEAKLINGS CAN'T STAND UP TO A NORTHERN SOLDIER!"

**214- There was never a snow fort building contest either. **

"Really? Really?" Roy yelled as he practically pulled his hair out.

Olivier and Miles just high fived from behind their fortress, meanwhile Falman prepared their counter offensive of snow fill shovel catapults.

He still owed Roy a snowball to face.

**215- Ed & Al never played Minecraft. **

"What's with all the square blocks?"

"We are getting ready for a zombie invasion!" Ed said as he stared to dig.

"Okay…"

**216- The following line was never said during the coup in Central. **

"Holy Mother F*** it's an ice cream truck!"

**217- The Art of Culinary Combat has been passed down the Armstrong line for generation. **

No one believed this until they witnessed Major Armstrong's mother beat up Wrath with a rolling pin and cast iron skillet.

**218- The Abominable Snowman does not live in Briggs.**

And even if he did, he would not go to the Fort for poker nights.

**219- Catherine Armstrong is a cute innocent girl.**

"Lies, she is every bit of a demon as her older siblings." Yoki groaned.

**220- Ling wears a girdle. **

"By order of the Emperor's son, if one more person accuses him of that, they will meet Lan Fan in a dark alley with her ready to defend his honor."

**221- Ed is an adrenaline junkie. **

"Fullmetal is you want an adrenaline rush do it by going bungee jumping or sky diving."

"Colonel!"

"Okay."

"BROTHER!"

**222- Roy never willingly went bungee jumping. **

He was pushed off the bridge by Scar.

**223- Jerso is not obsessed with burritos.**

"This is the best burrito, I've ever eaten. Yum! Yum! Yum!"

"Oh no, not again."

**224- The Elrics were never on Maury.**

"He's never there for us. He never even showed up to our Mother's funeral."

"Boys, it's not really…"

"IF YOU ARE RELATED TO US, IT'S NOT AS OUR DAD!"

"The results are in…Hoenheim…YOU ARE THE FATHER!"

"Motherf***"

"Aw, Hell no!"

**225- Ed, Envy and Ling were never abducted by aliens. **

"Hey, do you this is edible?" Ling asked as he looked at the food their 'Hosts' had given them.

"It's has claws and six eyes!" Ed said panicky as he tried to keep an eye out for the three eyed green beings who had abducted them

"So is that a no?"


	11. 226-260

**226- Ed is not a Reaper and has never met The Undertaker, Grell Sutcliff and William T. Spears.**

Envy never knew what hit him when Ed called in some friends for back up. Neither did poor Roy when Grell took a fancy to him.

**227- Likewise, Al has never met a certain demon butler sharing his love for cats. **

"Cats are great. They don't talk about useless things. Or do them. Nothing is cuter. They are something that doesn't exist in my world. They have pets over there as well…but …it doesn't quite compare."

**228- He has also never met a man with a cat army, calling himself Greece.**

"Cats…are so nice…"

"Yes they are."

And thus the Greek and the Amestrian became friends.

And Alphonse had a new way to attack the Homunculi.

**229-Al does not love cats because he is scared of dogs.**

Al was not ashamed when he squealed in fear and jumped onto Mustang when he saw Alexander.

**230- Hoenheim does not have the Triforce of Power. That means Ed does not have the Triforce of Courage and Al does not have the Triforce of Wisdom.**

"Do we look like we're running around in tights trying to save a princess?"

**231- Ed is not from the munchkin village in the Land of Oz**

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE FITS IN PERFECTLY WITH THE LOLLIPOP GUILD!?"

"Even if he was…he has a terrible singing voice."

"Shut up you hypocritical Colonel Bastard!"

**232- Fuery has a radio personality the underground stations. **

"This Burnt Owl on the jive. Word from Frost Lass is that Tin Man, and Red Devil are in the summits and a thrivin'! Desert Ice confirms. That both are still jiving and heading for the Big Daddy –O! See ya on the flip side when the sun hides it's smoking face."

**233- Just because Father's greatest ambition was to gather all the world's knowledge does not mean that he was part of Hermione Granger's psyche**.

"What's wrong with gaining knowledge? What's wrong with wanting perfection?"

"…Hermione…are you okay?"

**234- Shou Tucker died at the hands of Scar. Not by a team up of Izumi Curtis and Leroy Jethro Gibbs. **

"What kind of bastard uses his own kids as a twisted lab experiment?" the Marine growled as he held the pistol to the man's head.

"I needed to regain my certification."

*click*

"You hit him high, I hit him low."

**235- Hughes did not become a Reaper after death.**

"My name is Maes Hughes…now face my fury!"

"Sebastian…is that…a camera?"

"Yes it is Milord." The demon replied. "I suggest we run."

**236- Roy Mustang was not the Human Torch in another lifetime. **

"FLAME ON!"

"…Did…he just set himself on fire and jump out a window?"

"…Yes…"

"Is he FLYING!?"

"…WTF BBQ?…"

**237- "Hohenheim does not have a voice in his head. He has thousands. At any given moment.**

"He's you're first born…you name him."

"_Hey! Slave 23! Call him Jojo!"_

"_No! Johan!"_

"_Roy!" _

"_Adolf." _

"_Heath!" _

"_Gilbert!"_

"_Elizabeth!" _

"_What?"_

"_That's a girl name!"_

"_It could work!"_

"…You name him Trisha."

**238- Roy never had a pet bird name Gilbird. **

"This is my awesome pet!"

"It's a bird…."

**239- Ed is not related to Honey-sempai**

"Oh God...they are related..?" Tamaki gasped as he and Roy looked at the Elric family tree.

"Through their mothers…"

They paled and looked at the two small napping blondes.

"So Trisha was…from a diabolical line…"

**240- Sheska does not have a weird cousin fascinated by blood and gore. **

"Oh, this is my cousin Sunako." Sheska said as she pointed to the girl crouching beside Havoc.

"Blood~!" the girl giggled as she poked the bleeding soldier. "So pretty!"

**241- Ishval is not the ancestral home of Pokemon Champion Red.**

"HE HAS RED EYES! HE'S ISHVALAN LIKE US!"

**242- Ed's auto mail arm is not compensation for giving up his parasite exorcism abilities in a battle against the Millennium Earl. **

"I used to be part of an elite group called the Black Order…" Ed said distantly. "I was once able to slay demons with a single swipe…"

**243- Hawkeye is not a member of Chrono Numbers. **

"I'm Number XII the Hawks Eyes. I see your Death."

**244- Miles does not have the nickname Devil's Eyes.**

"Is this really the best they could come up with?" Miles asked.

"Look at the bright side; you're as feared in Drachma as I am." Olivier replied as the spy was taken away, he had broken down crying when he spotted Miles. Apparently he had sniper skills that rivaled Hawkeye.

**245- The Jusenkyo Springs do not exist in Xing**

It was never the same after Ed fell in the Spring of the Drowned Girl and Al fell into the Spring of the Drowned Cat.

And Ed never forgave Roy for it.

**246- Izumi was never a disciple of the Satome Martial Arts School of Anything Goes.**

"That's not fair!"

"Well too bad! I am a student of Anything Goes!"

**247- Ed is not secretly a girl.**

"Who the Hell keeps coming up with this ideas?"

"Well Brother…there was the time you and the Colonel went undercover as a young newlywed husband and wife to that gala wearing that fancy ball gown."

"ONLY ONCE! AND THAT'S BECAUSE THE LIEUTENANT WAS OUT SICK WITH THE FLU!"

**248-Ed & Al do not have a secret sister. **

"With all that's going on…and the dangers we will face. We hope that you'll be safest here in Resembool."

"Just come back soon big brothers." The five year old cried. "Please be safe out there!"

"We will Katherine."

"And don't worry; I will get back Al's body."

"Just come back alive Big Brother Ed!"

"Keep her safe Granny."

**249- Roy never tried to become a one hit wonder.**

"How did 'My Flaming Love' not even make the Top 1000?"

"Because sir…You can't sing…"

**250- Olivier's answer to curing a cold is not a flamethrower. **

"WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE GETTING SOMETHING NICE AND WARM YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT IT WAS GOING TO BE A FLAMETHROWER!" a terrified Buccaneer yelled as he tried to hide behind Miles.

"At least you're out of bed."

"Ah…sir…I think that was a bit too much."

**251- Kimblee's weakness is not deranged fan boys. **

After that incident on the train…the Alchemist swore never to chase after serial killers by himself or go to Rush Valley.

**252- The secret to telling Greed and Ling apart is not food. **

After discovering that Ling's stomach was stronger than Greed's will Ed always carried a case of emergency food and a fishing pole.

**253- Ling never considered becoming an immortal train. **

Only Lan Fan thought of that…and let's just say if Ling did decide to go through with in…then he could make a fortune in 'the haunted express' business. But he would miss the good food too much.

**254- The Elric Brother Telepathy does in fact exist. **

It works…but only if the two are in the same country and same dimension of existence. If not then the call will be redirected to some disturbing individuals.

**255-** **Hawkeye is as deadly as Chuck Norris.**

There is a saying in the East. If you can see Hawkeye, you're safe, if you can't….you're dead.

**256- Ed does not have his own famous customized car. **

The 'Red Eastern Devil' soon became most well-known with its appearance in the movie 'Road to Death'.

**257- Olivier and Bradley do not have light sabers**

Well Bradley doesn't. The only reason Olivier even had one, was because she borrowed it from Miles.

**258- The reason the Eastern Command hate the training up North is because if they lose the mock battle then they are hazed. **

They aren't exactly hazed…more like tied to a sleigh and then shoved down a very steep hill.

**259- Father and Hoenheim never had a get together. **

They did once by accident. All they did was drink and complain about their troublesome children.

**260- Olivier is the reason that Buccaneer lost an arm. **

"You implied that she was related to the Cullens didn't you?" the northern auto mechanic sighed in chagrin as he newest member of the Briggs Bears stumbled in holding the bloody stump that was once his arm.

"Uh Huh."

"Well, at least she didn't kill you like the last guy."

**A/N: I just got the Fullmetal Alchemist OVA DVD! OMG! The IDEAS! Plus…Roy's song…inspired 249. LOL**


	12. 261-272

**261. The reason Al left Resembool earlier than Ed is not to give him privacy to propose to Winry.**

Or so he claims. No one believes him.

**262. No one has ever died because Martel bit them.**

"Are you sure?"

"I was made with a common garden snake!"

"And not a cobra?"

**263. Ed is not the FMA version of Tamaki from OHSHC.**

He just holds better parties!

"Remind me…NEVER to let Fullmetal host another party." A very hung over Roy moaned at his desk.

"Who brought in the elephant anyway?" Havoc hiccupped.

"What I wanna know is…where did that DRAGON come from?"

**264. Roy was never in Canterlot..**

But MUSTANG! He's gotten a lot of fillies interested in him.

"Hee hee…ponies!"

"Is he okay?"

"I think I gave him too much morphine…"

"Fly Rainbow Dash! Fly!"

**265- Dresses are not Olivier's kryptonite**

It's actually believed that the main reason for Olivier's preference to stay far up north is in order to avoid all the formal events her family hosts. Especially since she was forced to grow up wearing dresses until she joined the Military Academy. Just mention formal attire and dresses and she will vanish in the blink of an eye.

**266- Miles & Olivier do not have a competition on how fast they can escape formal events**

While Miles didn't grow up in a formal, fancy family, his mother loved to entertain guests and often threw several parties. Something the two found out the hard way when the rumor of their 'special relationship' reached her.

So they quickly used each other's experiences to get the hell out of there by vaulting over a garden wall.

**267 - Sheska is not Yomiko Readman... **

Really. She just likes books... a lot. Ignore the creature made of paper stacking books in her living room.

**268- She also does not own the Monster Book of Monsters.**

"I'm sorry, I'm sure it didn't mean to eat your shoes!"

**269- Darius is not King Kong**

"DO I LOOK LIKE A GIANT GORILLA?"

"Well you did take that woman to the top of the building…"

**270- Envy's true form is not Sgt. Frog.**

"I AM NOT A FROG!"

"Aren't frogs edible?"

**271- Ed never got mistaken for Little Red Riding Hood.**

"Okay, there is something seriously wrong here!" Ed snapped after he finished kicking the wolf chimera's butt.

"Well…we are heading to Granny's house."

"Not now Al!"

**272- Al is not on first-name basis with Fuery's Transfiguration professor.**

"Whose that letter from?"

"Oh, just Minerva."

"Where!?" Fuery shrieked.


	13. 273-303

**273. Sheska does not has the invisible book of invisibility**

"WHERE IS IT?" she screamed.

Suddenly she tripped over nothing.

"Ow…found it…"

**274. The Homunculi are not Time Lords**

Apparently Pride attempted to become one once…and had his butt handed to him by a man calling himself the Doctor.

**275. Fuery is not Harry Potter**

"Then why are those idiots always trying to take you back!" Roy yelled as he and Fuery tried to shoot down all the gang members calling themselves Death Munchers

…or was it Death Eaters?

Either way that name was ridiculous.

**276. Sonic is not a hedgehog**

He is in actuality a former wind/sound alchemist who was forced to become a malformed hedgehog chimera. He is currently an undercover researcher tracking the nefarious criminal Dr. Eggman; the scientist who created him.

**277. Scar is not the Terminator.**

"Don't worry…I'll be Back."

"…Damn I wish that I recorded that."

**278. Nor is Alex Louis Armstrong.**

"I AM NOT A VILLAN, FOR THE ART OF HEROISM HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!"

**279. Nor is Kimblee.**

"Well I do like his choice in explosions."

**280. Ed is not the future leader of a resistance against machines that have overrun the world.**

"Umm...how would that work exactly? I have auto mail."

"Well you see Ed…"

**281. Mustang and his group are not the Power Rangers.**

"…"

"Well, this could work out if we borrowed General Armstrong's giant robot."

"…"

"Yeah good luck with that." Falman said with a wince.

"…If we go through with this, I call dibs on Blue."

"Red!"

"Green!"

"Yellow!"

**282. Envy is not an Exeggutor.**

"REALLY? REALLY?" he screamed when he saw Edward Elric's newest Facebook post.

"At least, it's better than being called a palm tree…"

**283. Voldemort's mother did not really die: she moved to Amestris and changed her name from Merope to Martel. **

Her status as a descendant of Salazar Slytherin is part of why she didn't mind becoming a snake chimera as much as some might expect.

Or why she and Fuery actually got along.

**284. Fuery does not own an Invisibility Cloak.**

Or well, at least not anymore. He traded it to Truth so he could come to Amestris for a new life.

**285. Ed never tried to pimp out Mustang's car.**

He did; and the Flamin' Roadster was then seen chasing the prodigy around the city with its furious owner behind the wheel.

**286. Team Mustang never had to make a Harlem Shake video. **

When it was suggested the team was suddenly called away on a mission to Resembool by Ed to investigate man eating were-cows living in a haunted UFO with a poltergeist.

**287. Nor was the suggestion ever made to Fort Briggs**

The soldier that suggested it mysteriously disappeared from his North City hotel room and was never heard from again.

**288. Greed never had any special relationships with Martel.**

No one knows for sure since the two were together on their own for a while before meeting the rest of the gang.

**289. The is no witch living in Dublin**

Those who piss off Izumi Curtis would disagree.

**290. Pinako Rockbell was not the preceding witch of Amestris.**

According to one Rush Valley engineer; in her prime she was ten times worse than General Armstrong and Izumi Curtis combined.

**291. The military never implemented Izumi's survival training **

Yes they did, at least up in the North they did.

Those poor greenhorns never saw it coming.

**292. The reason no one ever tried to arrest 18 year old Izumi was because they were too scared. **

Half right; she beat up the ones who did with a bear corpse.

**293. 'Beat up one M***f***r with another M***f***r' is not Ed's unofficial code**

This was later proven wrong when Ed beat up one thief by using his accomplice's unconscious body.

**294. A bear carcass did not forge Izumi & Sig's undying love**

Actually…that was how they met…

**295. The Defeaters of the 7 Sins are not the 7 Virtures**

Chastity- Roy

Temperance- Ling

Charity- Alex

Diligence – Olivier

Patience- Buccaneer

Kindness- Riza

Humility- Ed

"I'm Chastity? Really?" Roy sobbed.

"Well you did defeat Lust."

**296. Ed, Al and Team Mustang never went hunting together. **

Oh it was all fun and jokes until Ed and Al single handedly wrestled a large moose into submission, and then used it to bait and capture a bear.

**297. The reason Hughes hates bullies is because he was picked on as a kid**

It was true. And until he managed to learn how to throw knives.

**298. Ed is not secretly Chronos Agent XIII**

Really, he's not. But Riza suspects that they are related.

**299. Ed never ran into the Assassin Altair **

Luckily for him, he was not the target.

**300. Lab 5 was not the State's Attempt to create Pokémon**

"So close! I was so close to finally being a Pokémon Master!" Bradley yelled.

Meanwhile Envy was pouting because this meant he wasn't going to get the Keledo he was promised.

**301. Ed is not a boy genius. **

There are many like Jimmy Neutron, and a ginger named Dexter who would take offense to him calling himself as such since he has not invented anything.

Other than a talking suit of armor named Al.

**302. Riza never had a dog named Courage**.

"Poor little thing, I hope living with this nice farmer family will be more normal than here in Central." Riza cooed as she handed the pup to a woman named Muriel.

Oh how wrong she would be.

**303. Ed and Al are not the personification of America and Canada**

Ed does not have super strength and Al is not easily forgotten.

Although people do get their names mixed up a lot.


	14. 304-316

**304 -Edward never met Soul Evans.**

It turns out that their soul wavelengths were very compatible, but were only allowed to go on one mission together. Together unleashed a reign of terror on everyone who had ever called Ed short and/or Soul uncool.

**305- Ed did not lose his left leg fighting a demon dragon. **

Even if he does have a dead mother, daddy issues, and a blonde love interest who likes to hit him.

**306- Izumi Curtis sees the Elric-brothers as her own children.**

She does, but won't admit it out loud.

**307- Likewise, Riza Hawkeye sees the two as her own younger brothers.**

Especially when they teamed up with Mustang to make her old ex-boyfriend from East City _extremely_ miserable after he broke her heart.

**308- Greed is not the author of all of Lust's favorite Yaoi-fics. **

He wrote several of them, along with a few good Yuri-fics, too, but not all of them.

**309- Maes Hughes never got into a violent photo match-off with Doctor Isshin Kurosaki over who's child is the cutest.**

The fight took over ten mortal hours to complete and in the end Maes was sent 1st class to the Soul Reaper Academy due to his lethal 'Kawaii Photo Slash!'.

**310- Greed was never part of an Amestrisian edition of "I'm sexy and I know it" **

Since he used Ling's body to make this magazine edition Lan Fan promptly stole all editions.

**311- Or "I'm too sexy for my shirt" with Armstrong.**

When word of this reached the North Wall of Briggs; Olivier demanded all copies to be burned for kindling.

**312- Fullmetal was never part of either, Teen Titans, Young Justice, or the Justice League**

That was a young Kimblee!

"LIAR!"

**313- Roy Mustang is forbidden to go near fireworks factories**

"Oh, come on! I only mistakenly burned down one and I'm banned for life!"

**314- Winry did not pimp out Havoc's wheelchair. **

Oh did heads turn when Havoc arrived in his fully robotic wheelchair on the Promised Day. Especially the attached flame thrower and rocket launchers.

**315- Truth is not Slenderman**

Even though Al's body claims that on occasions he would dress up in a suit and leave for hours.

**316- The Gate is not a Stargate**

"Where are we?"

"I...don't know...OMG! WHAT IS THAT?"


	15. 317-334

**317- Gluttony is not Kirby's Inner Hollow. **

When the little pink bottomless finally went back to normal the King was too terrified to go near him thus, giving up his crown and running away, and his snail accomplice was never seen again. However Kirby had begun to take a liking to French food.

**318- Morph Jar and Dwarf in the Flask are not related.**

The Dwarf just twitched as Slave 23 told him of the stone tablet that the travelers were carrying.

**319- Nor is Father's second form a fusion of Morph Jar and Thousand-Eyes Idol.**

"So…you were born through the spell of Polymerization?"

The dwarf began to use words that made his creator faint and Slave 23 blush red.

**320- Father is not a Digimon.**

"DWARFMON! DIGIVOLVE TO…FATHERMON!"

"…what the Hell just happened?"

**321- The people of Ishval do not get around by riding all-eating dinosaurs.**

"IF WE DID THEN THOSE HEATHENS WOULD NEVER HAVE STOOD A CHANCE!"

**322- Nor do Scar get his powers from a flower, that makes him shoot fire from his hands**.

"Talk about Flower Power…"

**323- Ed did not steal all medical journals where his height is written down**.

He destroyed them all.

**324- Yoki and Crona are not related.**

"He's so weird looking, I don't think that I can deal with it!"

Medusa sighed as she remembered the few days she spent with that…man... The things she did for power.

…why did she chose him to be the DNA donor over that chain smoker again?

**325- Al did not become Xingese royalty by marrying May Chang.**

"Well, he's not a prince officially, but you and Ed are honorary members of the royal family and the Yao clan!"

"…so much for getting people to call me your highness in front of Mustang."

"To make him faint?"

"Oh yeah."

**326- Riza Hawkeye never met Clint Hawkeye.**

Guns blazing and arrows blurring, they were a rare sight that the Homunculi and aliens would both be forever petrified of.

**327- Edward and Alphonse are not demon hunters.**

After years of training and honing their skills with another pair of brothers...as well as borrowing a gun called the Colt… They were ready to take on the Yellow-Eyed Demon known simply as "Father".

**328- Edward never joined the Ranger Corps.**

He actually became the best of the best, until he was banished for striking the king. Some of those who witnessed the assault, under careful questioning, did reveal that the king had made innumerable unintentional jabs at the boy's lack of height.

**329- Ed never had a role on the Game of Thrones**

He was offered a spot, but when he found out that the role was of a dwarf he tore up half of the studio and refused.

**330- Scar does not have a Goa'uld symbiote in his forehead**

"You science fiction nuts are insane." The man commented as the groups of sci-fi geeks were carted away by the Ishvalans. They did not like strangers trying to poke a fellow monk in meditation.

**331- Nor is he a relative of Teal'c.**

Scar wasn't going to tell anyone that he spent the days before the Promised Day off world. Oooh he couldn't wait to tell Miles where the people of Ishval really came from.

**332-Ishvalans are not descendants from the Goa'uld.**

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M PART ALIEN?" the Major shrieked/yelled.

Meanwhile his wife just looked dumbfounded. "I married an alien…"

**333- There is not a Stargate hidden under the city of Ishval. **

There was a reason that Father chose the city. Too bad he could never find the gate after Kimblee blew up the temple that sat over it.

In your face you bastard!

**334- Ling never tried to eat a boulder**

Well…he did try to after drinking from an East Desert cactus despite Old Man Fu's and the old hermit's warnings not to.


	16. 335-348

**335- Hawkeye has no relation to Vash Zwigili (Switzerland).**

He was her marksmanship teacher. He also taught her the most effective way of scaring off perverts without causing bodily harm.

**336 -Fuery is NOT black, nor does he have an eye patch, so stop calling him Director!**

"Who's the Director?" Havoc asked at the kid ran away.

"No idea." The younger man replied innocently.

**337** -**Sheska is not Hermione in disguise. Therefore, she and Fuery are NOT dating, nor has she ever met a ginger named Ron Weasley.**

"He just won't stop following me." Sheska said as he and Fuery were talking over a cup of tea. Behind him Hedwig was perched in her cage.

"He still won't accept your break up?"

"No!" Sheska snapped. "I'm worried that he might try to attack Havoc again!"

"He'll just get shot again."

**338-Buccaneer never participated in the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre.**

The man was still very twitchy and 'happy' after coming back from the filming sight where he was the stunt double for the villain. As a result all of Fort Briggs got an early preview of the movie.

For weeks after the preview rookies were still jumpy around the sounds of chainsaws.

**339**-**Envy DOES have a gender.**

(S/he just can't decide.)

"I DID TOO! I'M A *****!"

**340- Alphonse has never tried to create a super feline for his kitty army.**

Once word had spread about the giant, man-eating cats roaming around the East, Olivier had ordered that twenty of them be captured and released on the border of Drachma...

Hence why the huge nation rarely, if ever, attacked Amestris again.

**341- After the Ishvalan War of Extermination, Roy did not become a rurouni/wandering samurai.**

"This one will never kill again..."

"...Sir, why is your hair red? And why are you carrying a sword in public?"

"IT'S A SAKABATO, LIEUTENANT!"

"...Sir…have you been reading those Xingese novels again?"

**342- Ed is not lactose intolerant.**

"That would be the most logical explanation!"

"But sir…he eats cheese, and other dairy products."

**343- Hawkeye does not use her superior as target practice when he procrastinates on paperwork.**

She never intentionally did that. But once while he was procrastinating she was cleaning her gun and it accidentally went off, nearly taking off the corner of his ear…thus the legend began.

**344- Edward never appeared in Needless.**

"HAHAHAHA! SO IT IS AGREED!"

"YES! WE SHALL RAIN HELL UPON ALL!"

Thus, all midget haters and milk cartons were never seen again, and the most bloody of dictatorships since Hitler began. Well, until a unnamed white-haired pedophile and a suit of armor came along.

"GIRLS!"

"SHUT UP BLADE!"

**345- Roy Mustang never did coin the phrase "I swear to DRUNK I'm not GOD!"**

Oh the things he said after trying to drink an entire bottle of sake by himself.

**346- Ed did not kill the giant by cutting the beanstalk down because the giant called him too tiny to be a snack.**

No one ever made fun of him again after he was dubbed a Giantslayer…

No one except Roy Mustang any way.

**347- Al is not a Golurk.**

Al really didn't know what to say when some arrogant guy named Trip tried to capture him with a toy ball.

**348- Ed's least favorite Pokémon is Miltank.**

Actually it was Mini-Ditto after it turned into a chibi version of him for a day.


	17. 349-364

**444 Rumors and Myths of Amestris**

**349- Al is not Amestris**

Although he is on rather good terms with Greece.

**350- Nor is Ed**

...Actually, many people are debating that. Especially as he goes missing once a month and always comes back drunk and/or grumbling about various nations including some perverted cousin of Xing.

**351- Al does not have an agreement with Greece about cats**

"Al, NO MORE CATS."

"...Take good care of him."

"Will do."

**352- Roy did not accidentally open several Gates causing a warp of dimensions. **

And the FMA characters were not transported to a side dimension with the Hetalia, HP, ATLA, and Pokémon characters.

Nor was it uncovered that the same thing had happened years ago and that in reality Ed and Ash were personifications of Amestris and Kanto, Al was the reincarnation of the Fourth Hokage and also some guy name Volkner, Roy was actually descended from fire benders, Hughes was Doctor Who, Furey was actually Harry Potter, Olivier was really Champion Cynthia, Riza was a Supernatural hunter, and Miles was Guardian from a world called Tron.

…

Minds broke that day.

**353-Sonic the Hedgehog never crashed at the Elric's place**.

Mustang never expected to see chilidogs everywhere. He never expected to see broken furniture. And he never expected that blue, round pillow he sat on when he sat in the only unharmed chair to turn into an animal and yell at him.

But he did make a mental note that for now on he would send Havoc for all future investigations of the Elric brother's absences.

**354- Roy never fought against Natsu Dragneel.**

Feeling confident, as it was a clear day with no clouds in sight, the Flame Alchemist arrogantly challenged the mage from Fairy Tail, claiming that alchemy was better than magic.

He was sent running for his life when his flames were eaten and shot right back at him

**355-Al is not Ironman **

Al just snickered as he successfully beat Pride. Who knew all that it would take was to paint himself red and yellow and the Homunculus would faint.

**356-Nor is Ed a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. **

Genius. Yes.

Billionaire? Only after that night he got a seat in an underground high stakes poker match which no one in the Military knows about. Supposedly his fortune could rival that of the Armstrong family's.

Playboy philanthropist? Err….ladies and…gents, you would have to get past Winry first.

**357-Breda is not the Weasley Squib who supposedly works as an accountant**

"So you're the cousin that Ron mentioned?"

"And you're Harry?"

"Wrong. I'm Kain Fuery."

"Ditched the crazy sheeple?"

"Yup."

**358-Nor is he Ron in disguise.**

When Fuery first met Breda he really thought that Ron found him. At least until Breda told him that he was a banished Squib.

**359- Edward never dated a man named Arthur Kirkland from Albion. **

"ARE YOU MAKING A JAB AT MY SEXUALITY?" the alchemist screamed. "I WAS JUST GIVING THAT GUY DIRECTIONS TO THE TRAIN STATION YOU PERVERTS! WE NEVER WENT ON A DATE OR ANYTHING! SO SHUT UP BEFORE I SHOVE THIS KNIFE UP YOUR-"

**360- Likewise, Alphonse never dated a man named Francis Bonnefoy.**

To this day Al jumps in fear if he hears a _'Hon hon hon'_ type laugh and Ed has sworn revenge on the flamboyant man who mentally scared his brother.

**361 For the LAST TIME, Fuery is NOT a werewolf!**

"I wear a silver watch band, if I was a werewolf I wouldn't do that would I?" Fuery yelled as he took down a supernatural hunter with a fierce blow to the jaw.

**362-Likewise, he is not some other type of creature aka vampire, fey, snake-hybrid thingy, etc...**

"SAY THAT AGAIN AND I WILL USE THIS GUN FILLED WITH SILVER BULLETS ON YOU!"

….besides we all know the vampire around here was Kimble and maybe Frank Archer.

**363-He also doesn't doesn't have a ginger stalker named Ginny.**

Fuery still hides every time he sees a woman with red hair.

**364-He also did not have a mental breakdown, and attacked an alchemist named Tom Riddle Jr.**

"What was that all about?" Roy asked as Breda and Falman tried to calm down the young soldier as he rambled about Horcruexs, and snakes. Who knew that green lights freaked him out so much?

"Uh..." Breda began. "It's complicated."


	18. 365-383

**365- Following the incident with Sonic, Ed did not attempt to use a Chaos Emerald as a Philosopher's Stone**

If he did, he did not transport himself and many others to Sonic's dimension as furries, and if he had, he and Al were not cats, Roy was not a salamander, Riza was not a hawk, and Winry was not a dog.

**366- The FMA characters did not use Sburb as a last ditch attempt to defeat Father on the promised day**

And Ed was not the Mage of Void, nor was Al the Knight of Life, nor was Roy the Heir of Light, etc.

**367- Ed and Al also did not use Sburb as an attempt to get back to normal via God Tier**

Even though it worked, they went back to their previous states because of the universe reset.

**368- Nor did they try to get back to normal by using Jusenkyo**

They nearly succeeded, but a certain pigtailed martial artist knocked them into the wrong springs at the last second.

Ranma Satome never saw the fuming alchemist coming after he called him a short girl.

**369- Ed and Furey did not team up to get the Philosopher's Stone at Hogwarts**

Which turned out to be a fake anyways.

But before they could curse the Headmaster they were forced to flee because of a group of fangirls demanding to see the 'Boy Who Lived'

"WHY DO THEY CALL YOU THAT?"

"IT'S COMPLICATED!"

"IS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU COMPLICATED?" Roy demanded as he slammed the gas pedal the second they got in the flying mecha that he 'borrowed' from Olivier.

"YES!"

**370- Ed is not a werewolf, either, despite the gold eyes. **

"I carry a Silver pocket watch you bastards!"

He was later held for contempt of court after Umbridge called him too short to be an alchemist.

**371-Ed and Al are not Colin and Dennis Creevey, nor are they the Creeveys' Amestrian doubles.**

Fuery twitched as he noticed the brothers. Damn, did everyone in this world have a double from his old one?

**372-The Homunculi and Alchemists are not Pokémon.**

"LUST I CHOOSE YOU!"

"I CHOOSE YOU ROY!" Hughes bellowed out.

'_What the Hell is going on?'_ the two wondered as they appeared from out of nowhere.

**373-There is not an Amestrian 1) Mortal Kombat, 2) Street Fighter, or 3) Chimera-based trading card game.**

Because if there was Al would not secretly be the Champion also known as 'Iron Man'

**374-The Elrics are not related to Luna Lovegood.**

Incidentally, Fuery did NOT recognize her, and have an hour long conversation about creatures only known as Nargles.

**375-The Tringham brothers are not related to Neville Longbottom.**

However they do refer to Fuery as their Uncle, and the younger one has a pet toad named Trevor the II.

**376- FOR THE LOVE OF TRUTH, Hughes is not a ninja!**

"First he's the Doctor, and now this? Ling were you giving him lessons?" Ed asked as Hughes stalked Roy and Riza on their first 'official' date.

"No, it wasn't me. But he is a time lord…"

**378- Nor did he pass his craft onto Alphonse and Elysia. **

"I'm so proud." Hughes aka The Doctor sniffed as he read the latest newspapers written by his little girl.

**379-World Meetings are not held in Central**

Roy was, to say the least, highly confused when he walked in that day.

Unfortunately for him, that particular World Meeting was the start of the annual Prank War. Some of the less confusing scenes were Ed holding off a man with a pipe, two very similar looking people shooting shaving cream at a man with caterpillars for eyebrows, a blond pervert, and a quiet black haired man taking pictures in the background.

"Dammit, Russia, I AM NOT SHORT!" Ed yelled.

"Kolkolkolkolkol..."

"AMESTRIS, GIVE US A HAND!"

"NOT NOW, AMERICA!"

"FULLMETAL?!"

"WHA-...oh. Colonel Bastard...heh heh...shit."

Amestris later had to use his Nation powers to wipe Roy's mind. Roy still didn't go in Central for a month after the incident.

**380- Following the discovery of Ed being Amestris that did not happen, it was not uncovered that Ed was secretly in charge of the military**

Everyone was shocked to discover the mysterious higher-up they'd heard legends about was actually Ed.

He had to wipe their memories later on command of the new Fuhrer.

**381- Van Hoenheim is not Xerxes **

Although according to Italy he was very good friends with the Roman Empire and Germania.

**382-The title of Fuhrer is not chosen by a Death Fight**

When someone first mentioned the idea it was shot down before word reached the ears of two certain Generals. Because while one would take the challenge without problem, the other one could just ask his sniper to do it.

**383- Hawkeye never had a student named Mey-Lin. **

While she was a tad clumsy, her far sighted vision made her a fierce sniper.

They haven't spoken in a while, but Riza gets a letter every month about her life working as a guard for a young noblemen and the mysteriously handsome butler.


	19. 384-404

**384-Ed's curl/cowlick/antenna/whatever is not an E-zone**

Roy made the mistake of pulling it once. Ed immediately fell to the floor in a dead faint with blood gushing from his nose. The preteen refused to go near him again for nearly a year.

After he explained what happened to her, Riza shot six hairs off the top of Roy's head.

**385-Roy does not cross-dress in a miniskirt**

…No…no amount of brain bleach would prevent that image.

**386-The war between Drachma and Amestris did not start because Amestris beat Drachma in arm wrestling**

Please ignore the two boys fighting over there.

**387-Ed is not short because a witch cursed him**

Actually, it was England. Ed's supposed to be about 5' 5" by now.

"That explains so much..."

"It really does..."

**388-A Manaphy was not released into Central because of the dimensional warp**

It left quickly after Gluttony tried to eat it.

And if it was, there was most certainly not a mass body swap, and if that happened, Ed was not Roy, Roy was not Riza, Riza was not Maes, and so on but that's another story

**389-During above swap that did not happen, Roy-as-Riza did not take pictures of him/herself in a miniskirt**

…she promptly shot him in the leg after it all went to normal.

**390-Ed does not drink**

Everyone was shocked when the short alchemist out-drank Havoc, Meas, Roy, and some Ishvalan who insisted on calling himself Prussia.

**391-And if he did his drinking song would not be the original FMA theme song!**

Someone made the mistake of wondering aloud where the song was from.

Everyone save Ed himself was shocked to learn about the manga, two animes, and movie on Ed's life.

**392-Roy's nickname is not Sifu Hotman**

No one would let him hear the end of it after the confused Water Tribe boy mistook Roy for a certain banished prince and called him that**.**

**393-Ed is not secretly a hobbit in disguise.**

He broke the jaw of the Tolkein fan who stated it.

**394-Envy is not a brony. **

His favorite character is a tie between Rainbow Dash and Queen Chrysalis. Also 'Friendship is Magic' is his secret theme song.

**395-Roy Mustang is not related to Kyouya Ootori.**

No one would have believed it if they really were. Especially not their associates.

**396-Scar is not related to the Thief King Bakura Akefia.**

Uh…let's not go there shall we?

**397-Hughes has never come to work in a bowtie, suspenders, and a fez.**

The stares he received that day…was nothing compared to the car he came in.

**398-Ed does not wear a red coat just so he can be easily seen in a crowd.**

Sort of an Amestrian version of 'Where's Waldo?'

**399-Izumi Curtis is the Chuck Norris of Fullmetal Alchemist.**

She is …actually…or so many claim.

**400-The Elrics are not in any way related to Maka Albarn**

Roy cursed that day since Ed took to hitting people with a book. Riza soon followed after.

**401-Scar is not Soul's uncle.**

Correction…Scar is Soul's distant uncle. He is more closely related to Miles since his grandaunt was Catherine Armstrong.

**402-Neither is Ling Kid's cousin**

Their love of perfection is the only thing they can agree on.

**403-For the love of Death, Azusa is not Riza's best friend!**

Riza still remembers the Xingese girl she befriended in primary school, and the two still talk.

**404-Greed has never had a competition with Roy to see who can get more cellphone numbers**

They tied…and left a crowd of swooning women in their wake.

SPECIAL ADDITION!

_Jostanos 'Sonic' Silver aka the Silver Blade Alchemist had this to say... with narrowed eyes:_

_"I am not the baka that bought that green lighted laser pointer."_

_Breda blinks and asks "Who did then?"_

_Then all eyes turn to Maes who blinks and puts his hands in a defensive position "Guys.. come on.. It was part of the requisitions that came in two weeks ago._

"_Then who…"_

"_ROY!"_

**We've reached 404? OMG! ONLY 40 to go!**


	20. 405-423

**444 Rumors and Myths of Amestris**

**405- Hayate is not the long lost descendent of the Amaterasu.**

Everyone was stunned, to say the least, when the small pup beat Gluttony into submission with a sacred flaming disk and string of rosaries to protect Riza.

**406 Breda is not related to Hikaru and Kouru**

"Does anyone else here have a relative in Amestris?" Tamaki asked.

Haruhi raised her hand. "I'm a distant cousin of Ms. Hawkeye."

Kyoya then proceeded to install a metal detector in the entrance of the Host Club room…especially after finding out that Haruhi was a junior marksmanship champion with guns, knives, and archery.

**407-The Elrics never met one Alex Rider**

While Roy really wanted to know where the brothers disappeared to for a week after they fell from a flying machine passing over East City he decided not to, especially after the Hogwarts incident where his questioning almost got Fuery dragged off by Ginny or Ron Weatherby for running out on them.

**408And Ed did not date Sabina**

"….Let's not bring it up okay…" Al said as Ed moped beside a file cabniet and began growing mushrooms in the corner.

**409-Edward never became a player**

Winry would introduced him to her wrench collection.

**410- Elicia never met a madman with a box**

They did share a plate of fish fingers and custard though.

**411-Alphonse is not the seventh son of the seventh son**

"What does that even mean?"

"I have no idea Al." Ed said as they entered the library and headed for the media section. "But we better research it."

**412-Al is not Pinocchio.**

"WILL YOU PEOPLE LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE ALREADY?" An infuriated Ed screamed.

"But I am a _real_ boy." Al whimpered to his newest cat Fluffy.

**413-Alphonse never was a nekosune.**

But there have been rumors about 'Knight' (Now Soul) having cat ears and a tail whenever he was around cats.

**414-Havoc has never actually eaten a dog.**

Never knowingly did anyway. After that day working on KP duty for pranking the Colonel; Ed and Al swore never to go near the 'Monday Surprise' every again. Unless they were at Briggs, there they found out that it was made from either squirrel or possum.

**415-Riza didn't use a squirt gun to train Roy to do the paperwork**

She did…but she painted it to look like her service weapons.

**416- Olivier did not beat Sloth on the Promised Day with a Garchomp. **

No one knew what to say when General Armstrong stood up despite her injuries and took out a red and white capsule that was clipped to her belt. "Now! Garchomp! Battle Dance!"

Everyone just stared in awe and confusion as the ball was thrown in the air and released a large purplish blue dragon whose roar shook the building.

All it took were a few 'Dragon Claws' and 'Draco Meteors' before Sloth could no longer regenerate. Olivier then proceeded to wipe out the undead soldiers with her Lucario and Milotic.

**417- Miles did not assassinate the corrupt Generals at the Inspection with a glowing sword. **

After seeing the Major go what was now dubbed as 'Guardian' mode many soldier swore off alcohol.

**418- Ed's fan base is not larger than that of Roy Mustang. **

Apparently Roy cried…CRIED! When he found out his much younger subordinate had a larger fan base, mainly because a majority were cute girls.

**419- Mei Chang did not get Shao Mei from the Kalos Region**

Shao Mei really is a panda, not a Pokémon.

So please stop trying to catch it with Pokeballs.

**420-Olivier was not dragged off by Giratina back to the Pokémon world. **

Panic spread when the General vanished into a wormhole by a large creature during a large military ceremony.

Apparently she _was_ Cynthia who had been caught in a backlash when Diagla and Palkia got rid of Cyrus and consequently appeared in Amestris to the Armstrong family as an infant.

**421- That being said; Ed, Miles, Al, Alex, Roy and Riza did not get help from Truth and Arcerus to go after her. **

In their Sinnoh Region adventure Ed and Miles challenged the Pokémon League in order to find her while Al and Alex became big hits in the Pokémon Contests. Roy found a hatred of Ed's Carvahna as well as a pretty woman named Mars and Riza felt like a chaperone on a field trip, despite her day off at the Resort.

**422- Van Hoenheim is not Nicholas Flamel. **

"IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEGLETED TO TELL US YOU BASTARD!" Ed screamed as they found their Father's will hidden in a chest under their old swinging tree as they began to rebuild the house.

**423- Ed does not have a Chihuahua animagus form. **

Roy could help but bust a gut laughing after Fuery agreed to let them test the potion.

Then they found out that his was a Shiatsu and Riza was…well a hawk.

a/n: I'm serious 420 and 421…my little sister says I should write a fanfic on that…hmm…yes or no?


	21. 424-444

**424-Nullmetal Alchemist is not an alternate universe and Al has never been there.**

Now you know where most of his jokes come from.

**425-Roy, Havoc, and several other members of the male military staff never tried to sympathize with Hawkeye by dressing up as girls**.

Seeing all of them dress in frilly dresses with makeup and jewelry (it was at a ball) made Hawkeye nearly pass out due to lack of oxygen in her laughing fit.

And when photos of said event reached Olivier her 'melodious' laughter made several soldiers think that the apocalypse was imminent.

**426-Edward Elric was never confirmed as a legal midget.**

Roy wrote up the fake document…and nearly caused for the twelve year old to have a coronary.

He later felt so sorry that he ceremonious bought him a 'Get Better' teddy bear.

**427- Winry does not have a CPU like brain. **

"Winry are you listening?"

"I'm listening Ed, but it just take me a little longer to process all that stupidity at once without causing a system error."

**428- Amestris never experienced a Sharknado. **

The Curtis family did enjoy all the free sushi. And Roy's impromptu 'fish fry' left him the man of the hour in East City.

…

After they cleaned up of course.

**429- Roy never fought the Kraken**.

"WHAT THE HELL! WHAT IS THIS? IT'S LIKE FROM ONE OF THOSE XINGESE DIRTY MAGAZINES!" Roy screamed as he did everything in his power to row a canoe across the Central River. Behind the alchemist and monster squid was Ling with a harpoon and the ideas of fresh takoyaki yelling "GET IN MAH BELLY!"

**430- Ed is not scared of Otaku. **

"You look just like the princely bishojo described in my light novel!" the random girl cried out as she shoved a Xingese novel at Ed, effectively interrupting his fight with Scar. "So are you the pitcher or the catcher in your relationship?"

"OTAKU!" Ed shrieked.

Riza stared.

"Otaku?" Scar repeated curiously.

"I never seen or met one." Al mused.

"SAVE ME PLEASE!" Ed screamed as he used Roy like a human shield.

"Oh, so you're the catcher and he's your pitcher?"

Ed turned so red that the rain turned to steam as it hit him, and he fainted dead away, practically cracking open his head on the road.

Roy blinked. "Pitcher; why are we talking baseball?"

"If you don't know never mind." Hughes and Fuery deadpanned.

**431- The Fifth Laboratory never brought dinosaurs back to life and accidentally set them loose in Central. **

"WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO BRING BACK A T-REX?" Ed screamed as he, Scar and Al ran for their lives down an alley and were surprisingly rescued by Envy and dragged down into the sewers in time for Gluttony to have a buffet.

"T-Rex! Yummy!"

"…So this is how you guys keep him fed?" Al gasped.

"Yup…"

"Terrifying." Scar deadpanned.

**432- There was never a real life Mario Cart race in Amestris. **

Upon seeing several of their colleagues racing around Central in wacky stylized cars Miles and Olivier did an about face and headed back up North.

…

After they took pictures of everyone in the six man/homunculus pile up and Ed's crazy victory by driving over the rooftops of Central Command.

**433- There was never a Food Fight in Eastern Command. **

Despite his 'pleas of innocence' everyone knew that Ed was the one to start the fight by launching the open carton of milk at Roy.

Although…no one knew who threw a large tray of Monday Mystery meat at Havoc or why Hayate took one sniff and hid up Roy's desk for the rest of the day.

**434- The Armstrong siblings never attended Ouran Academy. **

Not willingly on Olivier's behalf though. All that pink scared her and she immediately filed for a transfer within a week to some school in a country called Sinnoh.

**435- In his team Roy is not 'Daddy' and Riza is not 'Mommy'**

No matter what that weird girl Renge who claims to be engaged to Kyouya says about their team dynamics.

Don't listen to her friend Tamaki either.

**436- Ed never tried to use the Dragonballs in order to bring back Al's body. **

That was plan B.

However Shenron had recently lost a bet to Truth so it was invalid.

**437- Likewise Ed never fought a guy named Vegeta. **

The guy first thought Ed and Al were 'bastard' sayians…then called Ed short…

Everyone claims that it was those events that caused Ed to go 'Super Sayian'

**438- Ed never studied with a boy only known as L.**

It was scary how those two were polar opposites got along so well.

But they did argue about milk.

**439- Ed never got a hold of a Death Note. **

He spotted it lying in the grass outside a school, but thought it was bogus and walked off.

**440- Roy and Riza never had to pretend to be a newlywed couple on a covert mission.**

Best month long mission in Roy's life…and Riza's.

**441- Edward Elric is not the previous life of L.**

"…"

"Otakus are so weird.." Ed muttered as he punched out the medium hired to find a missing five year old.

"At least she didn't call you short."

**442- Trisha Elric was not a witch.**

.Ed and Al could never understand why their mother had kept a stick hidden under the house's floor boards.

At least not until Furey explained to them that it was a magic wand and proved it by letting Ed use a simple spell with it to turn Roy's hair highlighter pink.

**443- Ed never underwent ninja training. **

Izumi is a ninja.

Therefore your argument is invalid.

**444- Intelligence Agent Katherine King aka the Time-Illusion Alchemist did not risk life and limb to gather supporting information about all these myths and rumors. **

Katherine gasped as she lay down. After all the sweat and blood, and death threats from various military soldiers and sleepless nights she was finally done with her last secret mission left to her by Hughes.

"I hope you're happy wherever you are you bastard." She muttered as she dozed off. She then neglected to see a blue police box land in her yard, the Doctor jump out and copy all her files then leave.

"Thanks for all this Captain Katherine." Hughes laughed as he read the files and looked at the files.

_Due to an oversight I missed 190-199 so I added them to Ch. 10 thank you for the reviewer who pointed it out._

**SPECIAL THANKS to EVERYONE who REVIEWED AND MADE SUGGESTIONS.**

**THANK YOU AND I HOPED THAT EVERYONE LAUGHED AT LEAST ONCE.**


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